Americans awoke this morning to the news that the United States military had [DROPPED BOMBS AND / OR CARRIED OUT DRONE STRIKES] on [WHATEVER COUNTRY WE’RE BOMBING / DRONE STRIKING THIS TIME].
President [GUY WHO HAS COMMITTED MULTIPLE WAR CRIMES], a [REPUBLICAN / DEMOCRAT], sidestepped his [COMPLICIT / COWARDLY / TOTALLY INEPT] Congress, instead directly ordering [HIS LATEST WAR CRIME] much like his predecessor, [ANY PRESIDENT SINCE WORLD WAR II].
Rather than referring to the [UNCONSTITUTIONAL ACT OF WAR] as an act of war, the president instead called the [BOMBING CAMPAIGN AND / OR FULL–SCALE INVASION] a [EUPHEMISM FOR WAR, LIKE “MASSIVE, PRECISION STRIKE,” OR “TARGETED ACTION” OR SOME OTHER TERM THAT TIES A NEAT, LITTLE LINGUISTIC BOW AROUND GOVERNMENT–SANCTIONED MURDER].
The president justified the [CLEAR VIOLATION OF INTERNATIONAL LAW] by claiming that [WHICHEVER COUNTRY WHOSE CIVILIANS WE’RE CURRENTLY BLASTING TO SMITHEREENS] is [HARBORING / SPONSORING / SOMEHOW CONTRIBUTING TO TERRORISM], and is now an even greater threat than [THE LAST TERRORIST–SPONSORING COUNTRY WHOSE CIVILIANS WE WERE SHELLING THE SHIT OUT OF].
The president also announced efforts to eliminate [WHICHEVER TERRORIST GROUP HAS BEEN IN THE NEWS LATELY] that will involve [SOME FORM OF COLLATERAL DAMAGE THAT ULTIMATELY BECOMES THE PERFECT RECRUITING TOOL FOR SAID TERRORIST GROUP].
The White House defended the [THING WE WOULD NEVER DO TO A EUROPEAN COUNTRY] by pointing to the [LONG LIST OF HUMANITARIAN VIOLATIONS] committed by [COUNTRY WHOSE SLIDE INTO AUTHORITARIANISM WAS ALMOST ENTIRELY OUR FAULT], while conveniently ignoring the [OTHER LONG LIST OF HUMANITARIAN VIOLATIONS] committed by [EQUALLY BARBARIC REGIME THAT JUST HAPPENS TO BE A STRATEGIC US ALLY].
The new war in [COUNTRY THE UNITED STATES HAS BEEN BEEFING WITH FOR YEARS] had eerie parallels to the war in [OTHER COUNTRY THAT THE UNITED STATES HAD BEEN BEEFING WITH FOR YEARS], further ratcheting tensions in [REGION THAT THE US INTENTIONALLY DESTABILIZED SOME TIME IN THE MID–TWENTIETH CENTURY SO THAT AN OIL TYCOON IN TEXAS COULD BUY HIMSELF AN EVEN BIGGER RANCH].
The [BOMBINGS ANY SENSIBLE AMERICAN DIDN’T ASK FOR, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THAT DIPLOMACY WAS STILL VERY MUCH ON THE TABLE] were praised by [WHICHEVER PARTY IS CURRENTLY IN CHARGE, PLUS THE MORE HAWKISH WACKOS FROM THE OTHER PARTY] while being roundly criticized by [PEOPLE WHO KEEP BEING IGNORED DESPITE CORRECTLY PREDICTING THE DISASTROUS OUTCOMES OF THESE FOREVER WARS, TIME AND TIME AGAIN, LIKE MILITARY CONFLICT CASSANDRAS].
The [ACTIONS THAT THE PRESIDENT SHOULD BE IMPEACHED FOR, BUT WON’T BE] were particularly egregious considering that, during the previous election, the president had explicitly campaigned on not starting a war with [COUNTRY WE’RE STARTING A WAR WITH]. The new war comes amid the ongoing war in [OTHER COUNTRY THE PRESIDENT HAD PLEDGED TO END THE WAR IN BUT HADN’T].
Stock prices rose for [DEFENSE COMPANY WHOSE EXECUTIVES CAN’T HELP BUT LICK THEIR LIPS A LITTLE BIT EVERY TIME A COUNTRY GETS INVADED] while lawmakers on Capitol Hill debated whether to cut funding for [SOCIAL PROGRAM WE COULD EASILY AFFORD IF WE WEREN’T GIVING AWAY SO MUCH TAXPAYER MONEY TO WEAPONS DEALERS THAT GET ERECTIONS EVERY TIME THEY HEAR THE WORDS “SECTARIAN VIOLENCE”].
At a press conference the day after the [MILITARY ACTION THAT’S VIRTUALLY GUARANTEED TO BITE US IN THE ASS SOME TIME IN THE NEAR FUTURE], the president insisted that the [WAR THAT TWENTY–THIRD–CENTURY HISTORIANS WILL POINT TO AS THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF AMERICA’S LEADERSHIP ON THE GLOBAL STAGE] would [VAGUE PROMISE ABOUT KEEPING AMERICANS SAFE], saying “[A PHRASE SO ORWELLIAN YOU COULD SWEAR IT WAS LIFTED WORD–FOR–WORD FROM 1984].”
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