History is usually no laughing matter, but sometimes we can’t help but LOL at modern interpretations of the past. Here are 110 irreverent history jokes to share with your students.
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American History Jokes
What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth rock.
Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?
Because he couldn’t lie.
What did Mason say to Dixon?
This is where we draw the line!
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
But two Wrights did make an airplane!
What did King George think of the American colonies?
He thought they were revolting.
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!
How were the first Americans like ants?
They lived in colonies.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked.
Why did the Pilgrims’ pants always fall down?
Because they wore their belt buckles on their hats!
Why did the American colonists dump tea into the harbor?
Because they wanted to throw a tea-rrific party.
What kind of music did the Founding Fathers listen to?
Rock and scroll.
Why did the history book get grounded?
It had too many dates.
How did everyone know Paul Revere was good at his job?
Word got around.
How did the Pilgrims bring cows to America?
On the Moo-flower.
What kind of tea was the colonists’ favorite?
Liber-tea.
Who can jump higher than the Statue of Liberty?
Anyone. Statues can’t jump.
Why is the Declaration of Independence so dramatic?
It has so many acts.
Why did the colonists wear red coats?
Because they didn’t want to be spotted by the British.
What do you get when you cross George Washington with a cow?
Moo-tiny on the Potomac.
Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army?
Laugh-ayette.
Why did George Washington chop down the cherry tree?
He wanted to branch out.
Why did Ben Franklin fly a kite in a storm?
He wanted to spark a new idea.
What was the American army’s favorite food during the Revolutionary War?
Chicken catch-a-Tory.
Which Americans tell the most dad jokes?
Punn-sylvanians.
What do you call the first turkeys in America?
The Founding Feathers.
What’s Betsy Ross’s favorite sport?
Flag football.
What do you get when you cross a fancy, patriotic American with a curly-haired dog?
A Yankee Poodle Dandy.
Why did the early settlers build their homes near rivers?
They liked current events.
What did the colonists wear to the Boston Tea Party?
Tea-shirts.
Why did the Confederate soldier bring a broom to the battlefield?
He wanted to sweep the victory.
Why did the Union soldier always carry a map?
He didn’t want to lose his direction.
Why did Civil War soldiers wear suspenders?
To keep their pants up.
When was the last time Abraham Lincoln cried?
Four score and seven tears ago.
Why was Teddy Roosevelt always invited to parties?
He was bear-y fun to be around.
What is President Obama’s favorite vegetable?
Barack-oli.
Why did President Lincoln wear a tall hat?
So he’d be head and shoulders above the rest.
What did the patriot say when he stormed the bakery?
Give me liberty or give me bread.
World History Jokes
Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
How did Louis XIV feel after completing the Palace of Versailles?
Baroque.
How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By Norse code.
What’s the most popular kids’ movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
Why did the knight always carry a pencil and paper?
He wanted to draw his sword.
Why did the ancient pharaoh go to jail?
He wouldn’t stop running his pyramid schemes.
Why did the ancient Egyptians need a doctor?
They had sar-cough-aguses.
Why did Alexander the Great have to study geometry?
He wanted to conquer all the angles.
How did the Roman emperor cut his hair?
With a pair of Caesars.
How did the Egyptian pharaoh get around?
In his mummy’s car.
How did the pharaoh feel after a long day of ruling?
Tut-erly exhausted!
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
Why did the Roman Empire cut costs on roads?
Because all roads led to Rome.
Why was the king only 12 inches tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Why did the Greeks start telling myths?
They didn’t want history to be boring.
What did the medieval knight say to the queen?
“You rule!“
Who made King Arthur’s round table?
Sir Cumference.
Why did the baker go to the Renaissance faire?
He heard there was a knead for speed.
Why did soldiers in the Middle Ages have such low energy?
Because there were too many sleepless knights.
Why did Christopher Columbus always carry a map?
He didn’t want to be lost in history.
Why did the explorer bring a ladder?
To reach new heights in discovery.
What did explorer Marco say when he got home?
“I Polo’d the wrong continent!”
Why did the ship cross the ocean?
To get to the other continent.
What’s a revolutionary’s favorite movie?
“Rebel Without a Cause.”
Why was World War I so quick?
Because it was Rushin’.
Why was World War II so slow?
Because it was Stalin.
Why was the guillotine so polite?
It was trying to cut people some slack.
Why did Henry VIII cross the road?
To get to the other bride.
Why is England the wettest country?
Because the queen reigned there for years.
Why did the soldier bring string to battle?
To tie up loose ends.
What did the pharaoh say when he saw the pyramid?
“Mummy’s home!”
Why did the airplane go to school in World War I?
To improve its plane geometry skills.
Where did General George Patton keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
Why was the map always calm during war?
It stayed on the level.
Why did the general bring a pencil to the battlefield?
In case he needed to draw his troops.
What did one army say to the other?
“I’m drawn to your tactics.”
Why did people invent the telephone?
To let history ring.
What did the Cold War spy say to the other spy?
“I’ve got a chilling secret.”
Why did the Berlin Wall fall?
Because it couldn’t handle the pressure.
In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts.
In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
More History Jokes
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Why did Columbus cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
The same middle name.
Why is history like a fruit cake?
It’s full of dates.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hissssstory.
Why was the math book sad about history class?
It knew it couldn’t count on the past.
Why did the archaeologist become a comedian?
Because he loved digging up old jokes.
How did the cavemen feel about studying history?
They thought it was a pre-hysterical subject.
What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing, it just waved.
Why shouldn’t you major in history in college?
There’s no future in it.
What did the history book say to the philosophy book?
I’ve got the facts—you just think you do.
Why did the historian take a nap?
He wanted to dream of the past.
Why are Americans allowed to wear short sleeves to work?
Because the Second Amendment gives them the right to bare arms.
Why do history buffs make terrible thieves?
They always leave evidence.
What did the students say to one another before their history test?
“Let’s make this test historic!”
How do you comfort a sad historian?
You say, “Don’t worry, this too shall pass!”
Why are elephants good historians?
Because they never forget.
Why did the king go to the dentist?
To get his crown checked.
Why did the history book go to the psychiatrist?
It had a troubled past.
Why was the broom late to the Renaissance?
It over-swept.
How do archaeologists feel about parties?
They dig them!
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
Toga-ther we can rule the world!
Which monument always gossips about the other monuments?
The Statue of Liber-tea.
What’s a mummy’s favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
Why did Columbus sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons?
Because they didn’t want to wait 40 years for a train.
Why did the sword get a promotion?
It had a cutting-edge attitude.
Why did the pirate go to school?
To improve his arrrrrt skills.
Why was the Viking so hungry?
He couldn’t a-fjord any food.
When a knight was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave?
Rust in peace.
Did you watch “Dancing With the Tsars” last night?
Peter and Catherine were great, but Ivan was terrible.
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