Thank you for dialing 911. Your call is very important to us. Please listen carefully, as our options have recently changed.
To hear about our new subscription service, press 1. Are you tired of long response times? Tapping your foot while your house burns down? Consider upgrading to 911+ today. Jump the line for just $19.99 per month. It’s a small price to pay for peace of mind.
To log in to your 911 account, press 2. Please have your username, password, and secondary device ready for two-factor authentication. To create a new account, press #. No emergency assistance will be sent to users without a verified account.
To speak with Bjǔcko, our new AI response assistant, press 3. This portion of the call will not be monitored, and 911 is not responsible for anything Bjǔcko may say or imply about your racial background. Recording conversations with Bjǔcko is strictly prohibited, and posting videos of Bjǔcko calling you slurs will result in a fifteen-minute response delay during your next call. We promise it’s not worth it.
Please note: Attempting to speak with a live representative now incurs a five-dollar convenience fee.
To access our payment management portal, press 4. Paying for emergency response has never been easier.
To listen to some soothing ASMR, press 5. You will be charged by the minute.
To report a crime in progress, please submit a recent bank statement and a professional reference. Once Bjǔcko confirms you meet our income threshold, press 6. To skip this step, press 1 and subscribe to 911+ today. Once again, we are not responsible for any weird sexual comments Bjǔcko may make during this process.
To invest in EMT-Coin, press 7.
To report a fire, press 8. After several brief thirty-second ads, you’ll be redirected to an emergency response professional. For legal reasons, we are required to inform you that said professional will be Bjǔcko.
To speak to a medical professional, go find one yourself. What, you want us to hold your hand through the whole thing? What are you, some kind of liberal? Press 9 to add a fifty-dollar “wealth redistribution” charge to your account, since you like socialism so much.
Press 0 to give up and disconnect the call. This will also charge ten dollars to your account.
To speak to a human being, press 10. That’s the 1 key followed by the 0 key. This will definitely not take you to the 911+ subscription menu and charge you ten dollars.
Stay on the line to engage in phone sex with Bjǔcko. Your call may be recorded for quality assurance and for Bjǔcko’s personal collection.
To hear these options again, beg. Get on your knees and beg.
Louder…
Louder…
There we go. Unfortunately, you took too long. Here comes Bjǔcko. We hope you like race play.
And again, thank you so much for your call. It is truly important to us.
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