Learning how to connect with others is essential, especially as American society fractures and online activities supplant in-person interactions. Kids need help building compassion and empathy for others and skills in establishing stable relationships, as well as a healthy curiosity.
Mothers and fathers can nurture their kids’ connection skills by showing compassion and concern for others. Building kids’ “cognitive empathy”— understanding another’s emotions without taking on the feeling itself—is more apt to develop when parents talk about feelings, actively listen to their children and avoid scolding them for expressing distasteful views. “Take a breath and bring it up later,” Moyer advises. Invite even very young children to help around the home and be affectionate with daughters and sons. Boys are every bit in need of emotional support as girls, especially given the subtle cues they receive to “man up” at the first sign of anguish. Promote curiosity by asking kids questions and welcoming their queries.
If learning how to cope and connect build well-being, figuring out how to cultivate practical abilities is more of an “outward-turning” talent, one that will help children “engage with the world in a way that’s healthy and productive and constructive,” Moyer told me. Kids need to grasp some basic life skills that may be absent from the school curriculum: financial literacy, media knowledge and social media savvy.
To facilitate these abilities, parents can talk often about budgets, investments and debt. Absent these open discussions, kids will struggle to understand how to manage income and expenses—a growing concern for many young people who are struggling to get by. To support media literacy, mothers and fathers can educate their children about logical fallacies and ask questions about the information itself. What’s missing from the story? Who might benefit? Practicing good media hygiene themselves also helps, as does showing a willingness to tolerate uncertainty. As for social media, parents might allow access to such sites gradually and be mindful of a teenager’s use; active engagement is better than passive use. Try not to panic and be mindful of how often you turn to Instagram and TikTok.
Though her book bursts with guidance, Moyer admits to a certain queasiness about providing parenting advice. “There is no one-size-fits-all approach to raising kids,” she writes, acknowledging that a particular strategy that works for one child may blow up with another. Moyer encourages parents to embrace the approaches that best suit their own family and keep the big picture in mind. When in doubt, Moyer concludes, stick to these three truisms: preparing children is better than protecting them; listening beats lecturing; and comforting is more productive than scolding. “You don’t have to be a perfect parent and it’s good if you’re not,” she told me.
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