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(With due to Dr. Henry Gorman)
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Aristotle: Be good for goodness’ sake.
Plato: To be “good” or “good” is to domesticate one’s information of Santa and to decide on actions that make him joyful. For these functions, “Santa” might be outlined as a bearded featherless biped in a purple go well with.
Diogenes: Pluck the fattest hen you will discover, paint it purple, glue cotton balls to its chin, and say, “Behold: Santa!”
Epicurus: So long as you savor it, you may eat precisely one cookie off the plate you overlooked for Santa.
Marcus Aurelius: Worrying about whether or not Santa perceives you as “Naughty” or “Good” is an obstacle to your flourishing. Domesticate a state of indifference as as to whether you obtain presents or coal.
Thomas Aquinas: Generally, Santa brings you gadgets with the accidents of presents, however the essence of coal (e.g., wool socks).
Niccolo Machiavelli: “Naughty” and “Good” usually are not absolute classes. They’re decided by the egocentric pursuits of your dad and mom, and you could act accordingly.
Martin Luther: Whether or not or not you obtain LEGOs or coal will depend on your religion in Santa alone, no matter whether or not you sweep your enamel or chorus from enjoying ball in the home.
John Calvin: The Naughty and Good lists have been written lengthy, lengthy earlier than you have been born. The Elf watches you from the Shelf with icy foreknowledge of what Santa will deliver you, your destiny having already been decreed.
Blaise Pascal: Santa could or could not exist, however simply in case he does, you need to go clear your room.
George Berkeley: You, the truth is, don’t exist until you might be perceived within the thoughts of Santa.
Thomas Hobbes: Within the absence of the Elf on the Shelf, kids are by nature naughty, brutish, and quick.
John Locke: You probably have been very Good and your dad and mom don’t purchase you a Nintendo Swap, you have got license to switch them with dad and mom who will.
Jeremy Bentham: It doesn’t matter should you meant to be Naughty once you mopped up your grape juice spill with Mother’s cashmere sweater. The results have been very Naughty.
Friedrich Nietzsche: Whoever battles Naughtiness ought to see to it that within the course of he doesn’t change into Naughty himself.
Carl Schmitt: Santa’s sovereignty is decided by his means to declare the state of exception, giving coal to the Good and Furbys to the Naughty in accordance with his whims.
Hannah Arendt: The glazed, placid eyes of the Elf on the Shelf replicate the banality of your Naughtiness. Carl Schmitt didn’t suppose he was Naughty both.
Michel Foucault: Even when the Elf isn’t on the Shelf, you might be by no means freed from it. You carry the Elf inside you, monitoring your individual conduct for Naughtiness. You maintain your self prisoner inside a self-surveilled snow globe of Santa’s making.
Louis Althusser: As soon as you might be perceived by the Elf, you might be interpellated as both “Naughty” or “Good.” There isn’t a impartial type of existence inside Santa’s ideology.
Judith Butler: What we consider as “Naughty” and “Good” behaviors are copies of copies for which there is no such thing as a unique. “Niceness” is a panicked imitation of phantasmic perfect, which performative Naughtiness exposes as drag.
Eve Sedgwick: “Naughtiness” and “Niceness” are orthogonal to 1 one other: moderately than being reverse poles of the identical spectrum, they’re independently variable. Some actions are merely extra “Naughty-Good” than others!
Peter Singer: Except you might be prepared to offer away all of your presents to an unlucky little one on the opposite facet of the globe, then you might be Naughty.
Mikhail Bakunin: To overthrow the tyranny of Santa and your dad and mom, you could embrace the propaganda of the deed! Carry out acts of direct Naughtiness!
Karl Marx: Santa is the opiate of the lots. All presents ought to be held in frequent.
@dril: santa bowed his head solemnly and spoke: “theres truly zero distinction between naughty and good. you imbecile. you fucking moron”
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