OPINION
GUEST ESSAY
by EBENEEZER SCROOGE
Mr. Scrooge is the chief government officer of Scrooge and Marley.
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I do know the headline suggests you’re about to learn some obligatory, real-world proposals to reform the predatory accounting, money-lending, and debt-collection business in 1840s England. I actually wanted you to learn this. How this op-ed is definitely going to go is I’m going to meander across the matter with out route like a canine circling its mattress earlier than flopping down, giving up, and anticipating head pats.
Right here we go. Let’s take an extended stroll for a brief swim.
I wish to begin by remembering my late colleague Jacob Marley. Not a day goes by once I don’t really feel the grief of dropping such an excellent, type man who was working tirelessly to make monetary providers higher for the 2 of us solely and no person else.
I’m struggling to make sense of loads of issues proper now. It’s come to my consideration—don’t fear about how—that Jacob Marley wasn’t universally beloved. That’s baffling to me. How might anybody not love somebody with a lot cash? Now, my PR crew and I agree that I have to rethink some issues vis-à-vis my repute.
The dearth of condolences and vitriol from the London neighborhood and the more and more terrifying nighttime disturbances from the spirit realm are unconscionable. Nobody above director stage—be they a shareholder, a board member, all the best way all the way down to a senior vice chairman—ought to should worry for the everlasting damnation of their souls at Christmas.
I do know that my counting home enterprise doesn’t work for folks in addition to it ought to, largely as a consequence of my workshy accountant, Bob Cratchit. I’m kidding! He’s nice. See? I’m good now. Inform all of the ghosts you understand.
However nobody would design a money-lending system just like the one now we have. And nobody did. It’s a horrible thought. Like one thing I’d provide you with after taking a laudanum draught, going seventy-two hours with out sleep, and succumbing to insanity whereas being affected by judgmental spectors unleashed from some form of yuletide portal to hell. Not that that’s ever occurred. My level is that enhancements could possibly be made. They gained’t be. However they could possibly be.
Let me attempt to demystify what we do. We make our mission to make making more cash make extra sense. We’re at all times striving to seek out methods to get more cash from you, all at a decrease price to us.
The enterprise of the counting home is each intensely private and really sophisticated, and the explanations behind choices should not properly understood. It’s a thriller even to me! I simply shut my eyes and let the reply come to me as if by magic. And simply by coincidence, the choice is at all times the one which makes essentially the most income for the least expense. The world works in mysterious methods.
Whereas the counting home enterprise shouldn’t be excellent, each nook of it’s stuffed with freezing-cold individuals who attempt to do their greatest for these they serve, which is me. They serve me.
Jacob Marley was one such particular person. He was by no means content material with the established order. Jacob devoted his life to pushing the boundaries for an establishment that produces no bodily product, supplies no obligatory service, and makes nothing apart from revenue. By his lending packages, he gave the sick and determined the unbelievable energy of alternative by permitting them the distinctive alternative to decide on between crippling debt or demise.
In addition to we’ve executed, I do assume counting homes can do higher. I’ve at all times mentioned that. It has nothing to do with any current occasions or in a single day horrors. I used to be going to jot down this letter months in the past. Ask anybody. Bob Cratchit will inform you!
I’m keen to do no matter it takes to reform our business as long as it doesn’t impression my wage, bonus, or revenue margins. And that’s purely out of my love for folks such as you and solely somewhat bit as a result of I want the demons to cease. So what’s it going to take? Did you hear I donated a turkey? I can go as excessive as two turkeys. However let’s see how the information cycle performs out earlier than I decide to that.
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